I’m just writing freely as thoughts come to me. Mommy would have been 6ixx4 in the physical years today. I’m so thankful for times like me getting off the pay phone and running home from the Swine n Swifty gas station to Poke n Beanz projects (Merrillwood), hurt that my girlfriend Diona Worthy told me not to come visit her in Norfolk Va cuz she had another person she was dating and this was the the night of us Santa Fe HS winning the 4A football state championship Dec 10th 1994. Mommy came in my room and saw me balled up on my bed, eyes full of water & came and sat my head in her lap and rubbed my head and let me know things would be ok and that she felt so sorry for my pain I was feeling because she knew how deeply in love I was with Diona. Mommy had a beautiful tone to her voice that was southern rooted with city slicker articulation and she was so raw and uncut with sharing theories, ideas and principles of life with me … she reassured me that I was worthy (no pun intended) and had so much to offer a woman and that it would be her lost not to have me but she never spoke down on Diona and presented a perspective that was helpful to me while still be able to identify what a teenage girl in Virginia must be dealing with while her boyfriend lives in Alachua Fl. So after I dried my tears and Mommy finish rubbing my head and cleaning my ears out (that was our past time therapy sessions) I just sat there and unknown to Mommy I kinda said to myself that “I wouldn’t never allow myself to be hurt again like that” (b4 the knowledge of Laws of Attraction were practice by me knowingly) so I remember feeling like I’m a just date women and never give them my heart fully because in my mind I was committed to just wanting one woman to deal with and after dealing with ridicule in school from the homies like “why u date a girl all the way in Virginia” “U ain’t got no girlfriend for real” and the chics shocked that I dont wana “cheat” on my girlfriend even with her being miles away only for her to actually have another person she was dating and I felt foolish (and partly upset at myself for passing up some bad chics lol) but Mommy started to see how I was moving and she never ridicule me or scolded me but she always made it her business to make me make them know her so I dont know if she did it out of being her naturally nosey self lol or her way of getting an opportunity to vet them because she was always on point with her take on the women I dated and she kept it blood raw with me but once again as I sit and think, she did a great job of expressing herself and her views on them while never discrediting or disrespecting them and there were quite a few that I dated to the point where Daddy couldn’t keep up with who is who but Mommy knew em all for the most part and I always appreciated how she was able to balance her relationship with me while also having a positive influence and or energy towards these females while I’m dating them and even afterward we stopped dating … funny thing is it became a running joke with Me, Mommy and Daddy …my sister Keisha knew bout who I brought around and did her big sister thing but she was raising her own kids too so she wasn’t double teaming or vetting the chics with Mommy but amongst our family it was like “Dang Mommy talk to Tavon’s girlfriends more than him” hahahahaha but as I got older I acted like it bother me sometimes but truthfully I loved it because I always wanted women that I dealt with to experience how thoughtful, loving, open minded, eccentric, empowering Mommy was because I knew she could inspire and motivate folks to believe in themselves after one convo or convince you that you could do anything so having a woman who had some of them kinds of traits with their own spin was interesting to me and every chic that I dated that took time to engaged with Mommy I feel that they appreciated her ability to listen to them while dating her son and not being judgemental yet offering a motherhood kinship type of vibes with them and I’m so thankful for Mommy being that way with ebody I dated. I think about her famous one dimple that she so showed off so much and was proud of it that she made sure she got that side shot in pics was always hilarious to me. I learn to love a woman because of how she taught me to love unconditionally and so things like Identifying that women are not objects, to value and appreciate women, to actively think and apply equality for and towards women and that their mere existence is the vessel for human life so they must be held in high regards and protected and she emphasized things like negative words that often are connected to women in this society like “whore” “slut” “hoe” never had a meaning of significance to me in terms of how I view women for example that I wanted to date so even though that maybe some surface stuff but it meant a lot to me because for years I’ve been told by women that they appreciate me for not being judgemental in general and I owe that way of thinking heavily on Mommy. These just some random thoughts as I sit here in the Dungeon (my chill spot at the house out back) puffing a jazz n mild and just embracing and feeling her energy on a day of her anniversary of her coming to this planet. Mommy we all love you in the physical I know your energy and spirit flows thru us … I miss hearing your laughs, u nagging me about doing dry wall finishing, u opening my mail, u expressing how much you love your family and all the little things that made our relationship what it was in the physical. I appreciate that you still talk to me, I feel your presence daily in some capacity and thank you for still allowing me to make my own decisions without judgement cuz I feel when I’m making a decision I can feel your energy and sometimes it’s that feeling of how u would look if I think it’s a good or bad decision it was that look u would give me of “u just make sure u know what come with that decision” lol … but sometimes I feel I don’t celebrate you enough or talk about you enough but I know you know how valuable you are to me and selfishly I be wanting to keep that going amongst us cuz often times when humans discussed those who have transitioned they become sad, so a lot of times I mentioned you in a story just in passing so as too avoid a potential feeling that someone else will offer a level of sadness that I may not feel at the moment but as I sit and type this I’m remembering that we only experience what we focus on so maybe I will talk about you more without that preconceived notion that someone will offer a different vibe about you. It may be my way of not dealing with it publicly, all this is coming to me real time as I’m typing but I do have my moments of sadness but I don’t stay there because I know I can choose happiness so that’s another thing I deal with and that is not showing people that I hurt at times about your transition and idky I do that tbh. This maybe your fault Mommy hahaha cuz you showed me consistency of smiling thru pain and adversity and to focus on the positive so now it be hard for me to not find thoughts of happiness to overcome any sadness, so you know this contrast is a beautiful thing now that I think about it again. But I’m head off to go to this partnership in the am with the school board of Alachua County (she taught me to never have a boss but partnerships some folks call it a job 🤣 but she said you don’t work for nobody u got partners) 🤣 ahhhhhhh I miss you Mommy … Love you Pete (my nickname for her anytime she had a piece of hair on her chin!! Lol) Happy Earthstrong to my Goddess!!!
11.16.20
1:15 am
-Tavon
